The Complexities of Grief and Guilt
Grief, in and of itself, can be overwhelming and lonely - but when it’s accompanied by guilt, it can be even more complex. It can stir deep feelings of regret, remorse, self-blame, and “what if” thinking that can hinder the processing of our grief and our ability to move through it.
Guilt and grief commonly arise with thoughts of:
not saying “I love you” enough
I should have done more
I should have been there when it happened
not resolving an argument or resentment before the death
saying or doing the wrong thing
it was my fault for not preventing the death
I haven’t cried enough, haven’t grieved enough
I feel relief, there is something wrong with that
These thoughts, and many more, can loop endlessly through our minds, creating an emotional weight that feels impossible to lift. However, guilt commonly accompanies grief which means you aren’t alone. During a time when things can seem out of control, guilt can be a coping mechanism that gives us the illusion of control.
Although difficult at times, compassion can be the antidote to this self-imposed suffering. First, you are human and that means being imperfect in life and in relationships. We make choices with the information, experience, and capacity (mental and physical) that we have at the time.
Give yourself a “fair trial” when it comes to your guilt:
write out your feelings
write a letter to your deceased loved one of what you wished you would have done
write a letter to yourself from your deceased loved one about their thoughts on your guilt
Talking to a confidant or professional, like me, can help you accept your story and learn from it so you can begin to integrate the loss into your life and move forward with more peace.
Acceptance —both of yourself and of others—is essential. It doesn’t mean erasing the past but rather acknowledging it as part of your story. Through this acceptance, you can begin to integrate the loss into your life and move forward with more peace.
To schedule a personal session in Castle Rock, Castle Pines, Larkspur, Highlands Ranch, Lone Tree, Parker, Monument, and Palmer Lake, please contact me at (720) 425-3610 or at kristy@yourpersonalgriefguide.com.